SOAR® Study Skills
Homework Rx® Toolkit

How to Stop Fighting Over Homework

Issue #3- How to Stop Fighting Over Homework

This issue is in response to item #5 of the Homework Problems Inventory.

"We frequently fight over doing homework!"

Fights and arguments are the single greatest complaint we hear from parents over homework.  Typically, parents are beyond frustrated and assuming they are either doing something wrong or that they have an unusually stubborn child. 

Neither situation is true.  Parents are being parents.  Kids are being kids.  It is natural to expect some tension over homework.  But, the key to reducing that tension is to understand what is causing it in the first place.

At first, you may simply assume that your child puts up a fight because she does not like homework.  But, the core issue goes much deeper than that.  Homework is the greatest lever children have to get...

CONTROL.

We all want it and children spend their entire lives going after it.  When your child was a toddler, did she snap at you for trying to help her with something?  My mom recalls my favorite phrase of my early childhood years, "Me do it myself!" 

Of course, now that your child is a young adult with school responsibilities, you are wishing she would, in fact, "do it herself" so the two of you wouldn't have to argue about it.

But, from your child's perspective, that would be giving you what you want and that gives you all of the power. 

Children learn at a very early age that homework gives them leverage for control because they know you place a high value on it.  As we have explored in previous issues, communication within busy families is often inconsistent, which causes a breakdown between parents and children.  This is no one's fault, it just is the way things automatically evolve when several people are dealing with several different priorities.  One side-effect of this broken communication is that children begin seeking ways to compensate.  Homework is one of the most visible targets for which they have to aim.

Homework battles may range from mildly frustrating to outright wars within family.  The severity is usually based on the degree of discontent or turmoil that a child is feeling.  A few years ago, I was working with a 15-year-old boy, Jon, and his single mother, Debbie.  Jon was a very bright young man, but like many other “smart” students, he was flunking out of most of his classes. 

Two years before we met, Debbie had become very ill and was off work for several months.  She fell behind in her bills and was forced to move in with her parents (who lived 350 miles away) leaving behind Jon's father and 19-year-old brother.  Jon had been grieving their "loss" ever since.  During a couple of their screaming matches, Jon had accused Debbie of ruining his life for taking him away from his Dad and brother. 

Debbie shared several stories about fights that would start over homework and escalate into a lot more.  Debbie was mystified.  "I don't understand," she said, "Why didn’t we have these problems before we moved?" 

I simply replied, "He wants control."

She sat quiet for a long time and then began to cry.  "You're right," she said.  "Now that you say that, I remember one night....after we both settled down from one of our worst fights.  I asked him, 'Why do you treat me that way, Jon?' He replied, 'Because, Mom, that is the only way I can control you.'"

Jon and Debbie's situation may be on the more extreme spectrum of homework arguments, but their story is not uncommon.  The root cause of their battle is the same as the root cause of most homework battles...a child can get control of you (consciously or unconsciously) by choosing how they want to handle homework.

You overcome this battle by “giving” some control to your child. 

I certainly do not mean you should give them everything they want (you still have to set limits, of course), but a good 'ol helping of control is good for all of us from time to time.

How do you give a child control?

By providing choices.  When a child is given choices, everyone wins.  He wins because he feels like he has a say in the matter.  You win because you have limited his choices to two (or three) options, all of which you consider acceptable.

For example, if your child has a science test on Friday, you may suggest, "Would you like to study for your test an hour on Tuesday and Thursday, or would you like to spend a half-hour studying every night this week?"  Another option..."You will need to study for your science test tonight.  Would you like to do it before or after dinner?"

Even letting your child choose what to have for dinner can go a long way towards rebuilding communication and sending the message to your child that you value his input.  For situations that are a little more involved, like Jon and Debbie's, providing choices may only be the first step, but its importance cannot be overstated. 

Discover how easy it can be to improve communication, cooperation, and reduce homework fights with additional resources and insights into the power of providing choices.  Our Homework Help! for Parents  CDs and e-book provide simple routines and examples that can work wonders to prevent children and young adults from feeling "nagged" and encourage more productive communication between the two of you. 

As a Homework Rx® subscriber, you are eligible for a limited-time 10% discount off the Homework Help! for Parents CDs and e-book.  Click here for more information.

 

You will receive the following reports over the next three weeks, allowing your brain time to digest the information and apply the recommended strategies.  If you prefer, however, you can immediately access additional issues by clicking the links below:

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